If I were interviewing them I would have asked "How many of you are gonna BONE TONIGHT, hunh!!!?"

With the 30th miner not even out of there Spike TV announced that they will be making a movie creatively named, “Coal”.  About the miners’ 66 odd days downstairs in what looked a lot like my grandparents’ basement.

Don’t get me wrong, they no doubt were in a shitty spot, but they had some serious hookups down there. A bigger tv than I will ever have to watch futbol, what looked to be some amazing cots, and let us not forget those smoking hot Oakley Sunglasses.  What a prime opportunity for the US of A to pull a marketing campaign.  Personally, I was suprised that they didn’t emerge in ED Hardy sponsored jumpsuits high pressure jumpsuits.  After all that  Ed Hardy garb looks like it cuts of circulation anyway.

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS EVERYBODY’S BABY?

C'Mon woman revive your career!

The miner rescue made me think about alot of things, mostly about Jessica McClure.  You know “Baby Jessica”.  I was really waiting for her to pop up in some rant about how she was the original rescue.  ”Whatever these guys got nothing!  They weren’t wearing a diaper and squeezed into a tube!”  For some reason in my mind Jessica McClure is a raging drunk and a bit of a floozy.

OKAY SERIOUSLY – WHOSE GONNA PLAY THIS GUY?

Clearly this guy gets ass

Speaking of floozies, how about that Yonni Barrios!  Nicely done my man!  I wonder if he considered not coming out of that bank tube thing (you know the one that the suck up in the drive through and then give you a lollipop).  And when he got up  there was there a moment of maybe the urge to climb back in.  A perfect time for him to pretend his was blind.    I venture a bet that there are some serious bidding wars going on for a live cage match between the wife and the mistress.  If I were them I would start thinking long and hard about who I would want to play me in those “MFTV” Movies (that’s right “Made for TV” I just did that).

Here is my list so far as for casting:

• Yonni Barrios (The Two Timer):  Lou Diamond Phillips
• The Mistress: Rosie Perez
• The Wife:  Rosie O’Donnell
• Florencio Avalos (1st Miner Rescued):  Mario Cantone (for the flamboyancy)
• Jimmy Sanchez Lagues (The Youngest): Justin Beiber – I mean that’s a given
• Matio Nicolus Gomez Heredid (The Oldest):  Edward James Olmos
• Luis Urza (Last miner rescued and leader):  Andy garcia
• Franklin Lobos (Retierd Soccer Player):  Javier Bardem (star power)
• Ariel Ticona (His girlfriend had the baby and didn’t want to marry him):  John Leguizamo
• Elizabeth Segouia (His Girlfriend):  Jennifer Lopez
• Miner 3, 17, 22:  Mark Anthony ( I just feel like he would show up anyways)
• Miner 13:  Ricky Martin (odds are there is atleast one gay man and or a singer)
• Miner 29:  Jimmy Smits (He’s bored)
• (At this point I am bored –  feel free to add on)

ODE TO CATHOLIC GRADE SCHOOL

When I was twelve years old I was taking a shower and noticed a something on my private parts. It was long and black and wiry.  It looked like the kind of hairs that the priest at our school, Father O’Reilley had on his chin.  I jumped a bit like a cat does when you sneak up on it.  I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it shouldn’t be there.  I tugged and tugged and finally the hair let go of my special place.  I examined it closely while the hot water started to run cold and my brother pounded on the bathroom door, “I haaave to peee!  I have to peeeeee!”  I let go of the nasty wire that had mistaken my private for a chin and watched it float down the drain.  I said nothing to anyone of this unfortunate incident and in the weeks that followed I forgot all about it.  Then one day I was getting ready for school and there it was again, but this time it was longer and it brought a friend.  There were two and I was beginning to think this was a problem, but tired and late I didn’t have time or energy for the dramatic tug of war that I had weeks prior.  I figured they would be there later and I would go about the fight then.  I forgot and the next morning there was a third and upon closer inspection I saw two smaller ones beginning to join their family.

We didn’t have a computer or google and my parents never talked to us about anything to do with sex and bodies; but we did have library class.  In library we learned the Dewey decimal system and with the last fifteen minutes we were able to find a book to check out to bring home.  I couldn’t think about anything but my problem the entire class, all I could think about was what book was going to help me figure out what strange disease I had contracted and how long I had to live.  I knew I would need a book about a vagina, but there was no way that I was going to let anyone see me try to find faginah in the card catalog.  I figured there would be something about medical vagina problems in a book about bodies.  Yes BODY that is it! I would go to the “B”s.   I didn’t even have to use the catalog.  I just went to the aisle that all the boys hung out in.  They liked to look at boobies in the “Africa” section which was very close to the other books with the penis and butts in it, “Anatomy”.  By the time I got to the B’s the class was almost over.  I reached up and grabbed the “Bo” in the Britannica section.

Mrs. Holleran our library teacher was checking everyone out.  She was moving in slow motion, I could feel more wires growing at rapid speed in my underwear the situation was getting desperate and this woman was casually writing down my name and the book number in a marble note book.  Then she stopped and snapped her head up to look at me.  “You can’t check this out…it’s a reference book

I was completely defeated.  I left without the book, without any hope of being able to figure out how I would live and or die with this condition.  I didn’t go to the bathroom all day the fear of seeing the werewolf growing between my legs was terrifying.  After dinner the pain was too intense, my bladder was going to fall on the floor, I had to go pee.  I did and there they were all gathered along the meeting point between the two sides of my sandwich.  Like wild brown grass.  And I would mow it.  I clipped the hairs one by one with a nail clipper until I created a tiny version of a crew cut.  But the mental anguish was too much.  I couldn’t hold back.  I ran into the kitchen where my mother was on the phone and one long tired siren breath I spewed out.  “MA!  I have a problem there is fur growing on my fanny, but don’t worry I am taking care of it – I cut it two times a day”.  My mother stared at me, but not in a horrified way more like a “get your elbows off the table way”.  Then she said into the phone, “Vicki, I’ll call you back, Jenny just got pubes”.  And I continued to learn about my body through traumatic experiences such as this, although most have been public.

The sweaty days and steamy nights.  What a tease you are here and gone before I could do anything stupid.  I often wonder how I spent it once it is a memory.  Well, thanks to Facebook, I now have the ability to reflect upon my summer in status updates often a “did I really write that?!?”  out of body experience

1. 1. The  summer makes me so grateful…that we don’t give hugs with our legs
   2. A woman who looked like Large Marge but was dressed like a 1980’s circus performer just stopped me on the street and asked me where she could get pants like mine – I just don’t know anymore, I just don’t know.
   3. “I have a high tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for bullshit” – Sometimes after I say things like this I wonder why I am not living in a trailer park chain-smoking and drinking moonshine.
   4. Well, between my Netflix que and the sidebar suggestions from Facebook, someone from the feds should be coming to get me any time now.
   5. “Move it Ya hippy!”  Okay so apparently there is a 70 year-old man inhabiting my reflexes and causing me to say these things.  I would like to publicly ask him to leave.
   6. You know when someone asks what you want first, the good news or the bad news? I’ve started just asking them to average them out and tell me that…its usually much better and more concise
   7. It’s so weird that flies eat poop when there are so many better things on the ground in NYC to eat
   8. The kids who just hit me with a water balloon followed it up with “izzz summah shortee…whatcha gonna do?” The only thing I could say was “cry”…I have to move
   9. So is it better not to have a job and have no money, orrrrr…to have a job and still have no money
   10. I was admiring the beautiful weather and just stepped in doo doo…I hope it was a dog’s and not a crackheads
   11. I lost my phone today and learned the following…
1. It is difficult to find an alarm clock
2. I would ask for your number but there are hardly any pay phones anymore
3. If I did call you from a pay phone you probably wouldn’t answer because you didn’t know the number
   12. The way I figure it every four minutes a new douche bag is born
   13. This lady on the phone just walked past me while saying “…then there’s the anal probe aspect” I really wish I was there for the first part
   14. I walked behind a lesbian couple for five blocks while they argued on my way to work this morning – I learned the following – they use more adjectives and better grammar than straights and I would not like to be in an argument with them.
   15. Please note, any time I say I am at “the gym” it means I am at a bar – “treadmill” bar stool – “elliptical” – booth – “reclining bike” passed out in the bathroom.
   16. Every time I feel lonely – I think to myself, man I am glad I didn’t put out those mousetraps.
   17. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I said I’m never drinking again; I would be able to buy much better quality beer
   18. People always think its strange when you tell them they were in your dream.  Well I think its strange that they showed up in my dream when I didn’t invite them.
   19. Guys with little hands really freak me out
   20. OOOOOh I get it…eccentric is like calling someone cute crazy, well alright I’ll take it
   21. Sometimes when I am in line with someone who is buying condoms I can’t help but think how is this person getting laid?
   22. Seriously when is my imagination going to win an Oscar for best original fantasy movie
   23. A friendly employee at Toys R Us asked me which age group I was shopping for, I said 30’s, he told me there isn’t an aisle for that…oh he is soo soo wrong.
   24. Holy shit!  Someone stole my underwear at the gym while I was in the shower.  You should have seen them.  That was one desperate somebitch.

*The summer is a special time.  Especially in New York – you learn alot – like what boiling urine smells like, I learned that yes you can see whether or not people are wearing underwear with their short white linen dresses;  and that “hot shit” actually exists and sometimes you see it steaming on the street!  But the summer mostly makes me grateful.  I am thankful for air conditioning and ice cream and cold beer but mostly the summer makes me extremely grateful that   that we don’t give hugs with our legs.

June and July have been big months – let’s get caught up on some of the happenings and thoughts that I have had in these steamy summer Months…shall we? (whose bored enough…really?)

*I defriended three people who I believe were bragging thus impacting the feeling that I made “a wrong turn” somewhere

* I wondered why I am not living in a trailer park chain smoking and drinking moonshine. This was after I said to – pretty much a stranger; “I have a high tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for bullshit”

* There is a 70 year-old man inhabiting my reflexes and causing me to say these things like “Move it Ya Hippie”  I would like to publicly ask him to leave.

*I think I figured something out.  You know when someone asks what you want first, the good news or the bad news? I’ve started just asking them to average them out and tell me that…its usually much better and more concise

*This is something I don’t get why do flys eat poop when there are so many better things on the ground in NYC to eat

*I got hit with a water balloon while walking down to my deli and the teenagers that attacked me  followed it up with “izzz summah shortee…whatcha gonna do?” The only thing I could say was “cry”…I have to move

*I was admiring the beautiful weather and just stepped in doo doo…I hope it was a dog’s and not a crackhead’s

*I lost my phone and learned the following…
1. It is difficult to find an alarm clock
2. I would ask for your number but there are hardly any pay phones anymore
3. If I did call you from a pay phone you probably wouldn’t answer because you didn’t know the number

* This took some calculating- but, he way I figure it -every four minutes a new douche bag is born

*I walked behind a lesbian couple for five blocks while they argued on my way to work this morning – I learned the following – they use more adjectives and better grammar than straights and I would not like to be in an argument with them.

*Maybe I feel guilty about not working out – but I am just going to do some frued shit and turn it all around…Please note, any time I say I am at “the gym” it means I am at a bar – “treadmill” bar stool – “elliptical” – booth – “reclining bike” passed out in the bathroom.

*Whenever I feel lonely – I think to myself, man I am glad I didn’t put out those mousetraps.

*You know those people who glisten instead of sweat?  1.  I am not one of them and 2. I hate them – almost as much as I hate pretty sleepers and people who wake up not looking like they got raped like myself.

*I woke up with an intense desire to know the following:  Who is more boring to bone, Tiger Woods, Al Gore, or Larry King and I don’t know the answer I do know that Larry Kings balls are probably the scariest pale raisins anyone has ever seen.

I JUST DON’T KNOW I WOULD NEED A BAG OVER BOTH OUR HEADS AT LEAST – THAT’S FOR SURE

But they were more gleeful like this:

Now its a two parter because I don’t know when to shut the eff up.  I think I would start with second part

Part I:

Go ahead and scroll through to 1:36.  Light blue leotard heavy bangs and blond hair.  Then wait for it ohhhhhh yeah!  I didn’t do the sound affects those were added by an amazing editorial staff.